Feels

Kiiarra's "Feels," highlights the ocean of emotions and self-medication tactics I've employed to find one still moment in the turbulence of teachable moments crashing against memories stuck on repeat. If I could carefully funnel Poseidon's poison through a pipe, I'm sure that faucet wouldn't drip emotions in the same way I experience them. The issue of leakage would not be related to anger, envy, etc., but instead the depths of sadness. Sadness that is not my own, which is even more exhausting - making it impossible to be sober. Here's a snippet of my fight to keep my head above water:

Taking a deep breath, I plunge into the depths of cold interactions, icy stares, and something to hold on to that reminds me I can only drown if I choose to struggle. I look up to see how far down I am before I become frantic and need to take my first breath. I check the clock - it's not water resistant. The range of my surroundings does not limit my emotions. Life has taught me I can only hold my breath for less than two minutes before I need a life vest. Now begins my ascension.

Listen but don't speak, be uncomfortable keeping others at ease, be friendly but firm - not too direct because that's bad form.

Raise your hand, offer your point of view but recognize it won't be validated unless repeated by one in the majority who rules. Let them judge you by hearsay and don't dare inject facts that support your truth.

Recognize if they speak at you, they think they are talking to you. Trust your instincts but wait for them to inform you (your reality has to match their truth). Be perceptive, but low key (appear aloof).

Avoid emotional honesty, suppress, regress, implode - check your feelings. Move away from this - do a 180, assume good intent, but does it match integrity? Conversations pinned (let's pretend that was not meant for me). Pause. Take a deep breath. Anxiety subsides. I take in the air. Head towards the sky basking in the suns illumination. I allow everything I feel to uplift me - I'm floating on perspective before life dumps me back into the deep end.